i would like to die but i dont want to die
Two blog posts in the same weekā¦ this is the first time this has happened - maybe this is cool or good?
I believe everyone here must know what depression is, right? Well, if you donāt know, you can click here and read more about itā¦ Well, what probably some people donāt know is that there is chronic depression, meaning no matter how much you try to improve, change, take medication, find hobbies, or whatever the attempt may be; you will die with depression. And Iāve had it since I was 16, but Iām not going to tell you my age, right (Iām in my 20s, lol).
In the past, I have tried to kill myself, but I was saved by a guy who is a great friend, and at the time, I went to live at his house, to be away from everything and everyone, with my phone turned off, just studying 5/6 hours a day, creating random physical projects, and workingā¦ this somehow helped me, and I kept going with life, but in the last 2/3 months, I tried to kill myself twice again and thereās something I need to say; it hurts.
One thing many people think about those who kill themselves, especially due to depression, is that the person died because they were very sad or because they were very upset, but the greatest pain they felt was when they tried to kill themselves, because it is a very painful processā¦ you try to hurt yourself more and more, feeling the pain you are causing yourself. If you think about it, when a person hurts another with words, physical or psychological pain, the one who hurt did it, even at the moment, they didnāt feel the pain, but hurting yourself, getting weaker and weaker, feeling unbearable pain, is something you really need to have strength for or go as far as your strength can take you andā¦ well, the rest you can imagine.
The point here is that yesterday I was with my mind in the clouds and I thought of a phrase that made total sense in my head, which would be āI donāt want to die, I just want the pain to end,ā followed by āIām not a bad person, I just made bad choices.ā
Maybe these phrases make sense to you in various ways - or maybe not, but they made sense to me. I really donāt want to die, I just want all this pain to end. Even saying this scares me. It scares me because many people may not realize it, but when you are hurting yourself, people who like you (if they really like you) are also hurt, and just like you - or me -, they also get exhausted, sad, and cry because of the accumulation of everything.
Having said everything Iāve said so far, thereās a phrase my psychologist told me that still sticks in my head, which is āsometimes I donāt know why you seek me out, Yuriā and continued with āyou can read people, understand and comprehend the best and worst in them, like a Rubikās cube, which Iāve seen you solve in less than 60 seconds,ā and concluded with ābut you canāt understand whatās going on inside you, and you also exclude me and exclude other people who are trying to help youāā¦ sheās not wrong, I really can understand people based on their body language, and even in conversation, and this must be one of the reasons why many people like to have serious conversations with me, but when it comes to understanding what I feel based on the origin of my depression, I simply go blind, lose my way, and everything seems to make no senseā¦ and the worst part is, I canāt bring this to people, even those who are close, and, of course, thereās a reason for this, and the reason is that when I tried to open up to people besides the great friend mentioned earlier, basically almost everyone disappeared, avoided me, or changed the subject as if what I felt was superficial. So, someone who was already closed off became even more closed off.
I wanted to say that I can handle my loneliness, but if I could, I wouldnāt have tried to do so much crap to myself, right? Right. But thinking about it, years have passed since this recent suicide attempt, so Iām probably managing/mediating/balancing my depression. Maybe itās not ideal, but itās a big progress, and every small step should be celebrated.
Andā¦ As I reflect on my journey, I realize that every day is a battle, but itās also an opportunity. An opportunity to find moments of joy, to connect with others, and to discover new strengths within myself. Itās not easy, and there are days when the darkness feels overwhelming, but Iāve learned that itās okay to ask for help and to lean on those who care about me.
One thing that has helped me immensely is finding a creative outlet. Whether itās contributing to open-source projects, coding, setting up servers, or writing, expressing myself through these activities has been a powerful way to process my emotions and to find a sense of peace. Itās a reminder that even in the midst of pain, there is beauty to be found.
Iāve also started taking long walks without a specific destination, just wandering aimlessly. These walks, accompanied by music, have become a form of meditation for me. They help me clear my mind and feel more grounded. Itās a small but significant step towards healing.
Another important lesson Iāve learned is the value of self-compassion. Itās easy to be hard on myself, to feel guilty for my struggles, and to believe that Iām not worthy of love and support. But Iāve come to understand that being kind to myself is crucial. I deserve the same compassion and understanding that I would offer to a friend.
To anyone reading this who may be going through a similar experience, I want you to know that you are not alone. Your pain is real, and itās valid, but so is your strength. Itās okay to have bad days, and itās okay to reach out for help. There is no shame in seeking support, whether itās from friends, family, or a mental health professional.
Remember that healing is not a linear process. There will be ups and downs, but every step forward, no matter how small, is progress. Celebrate your victories, no matter how minor they may seem, and be gentle with yourself on the tough days.
In closing, I want to leave you with a quote that has resonated with me: āThe wound is the place where the Light enters you.ā - Rumi. Itās a reminder that even in our darkest moments, there is hope and the possibility of healing.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story. I hope that by sharing my experiences, I can help others feel less alone and more understood. Together or alone, we can find the strength to keep moving forward, one day at a time.
This time I just wanted to share this outburst and leave this incredible phrase that I said before, but I will repeat:
āI donāt want to die, I just want the pain to end.ā
Thereās something I would like to say, which is a simple but sincere thank you.
When I come here to Bear, I always search for my name or the link to my blog (the one you are reading now), and I always see amazing posts about views or ideas that are divergent or similar to mine, and they are all incredible reads!
So, thank you Zoeloukia, PJ, Rimarin, Anton, and my favorite bear-girl, Coco.