reflections on the fear of failure and seeking recognition
Hi,
I don't know... Lately, I've been thinking a lot about my fear of failure (or maybe I've already failed?), seriously.
I'm a very hardworking person... I have courses from prestigious universities (currently over 95 courses), I know four languages and am fluent in three, and I have certifications that many people would love to have, but every day I feel like I'm failing more.
I work in the technology sector (and IT has more branches than medicine). Specifically, I specialize in databases and server infrastructure. I even have my own setup at home, including cloud, Git, blog, documentation, and various other things. Recently, I became unemployed because I lost my freelance contracts with companies, and on the same day my last contract ended, I took all my savings and paid off what I could, but I still had debts. Like most people, I found myself thinking, "What am I going to do now?" along with "How do I solve this?"... And then my mind went into a spiral of "I failed, I'm failing more and more," combined with the infamous "I'm worthless... I'm a piece of crap/useless, and my life is over." I believe many people think similarly when things go wrong.
Despite all these negative things, I've tried to continue my life and activities with a more positive mindset. Even though some days, even sleeping is complicated.
I've been sending my resume to various companies and enrolling in those extremely tedious and exhausting application processes, like those on Gupy and LinkedIn, where you have to click on a job, open an external link (in most cases), and go to a site where you have to create a new account, redo the entire registration process, answer questions you've already answered, and submit a resume you've already sent... Ugh, how annoying. But the pinnacle of it all was receiving two emails from different companies saying I was "too good for the job." No, it wasn't said in those words, but using part of their response, I was "overqualified" for the position. Yes, that was part of the reply in both responses. That's when I found myself thinking about the following problem: you get frustrated when you're not qualified, so you study more to become qualified, then if you study too much, you become overqualified... Can you understand?
Basically, it's like this:
No qualification -> Rejected for knowing too little -> Study to become qualified -> Rejected for knowing too much.
I can't understand this logic or neurosis. But let's move on.
Still talking about finding a job, nowadays, it seems values have been inverted. I've always strived to know more, not leave work for others, or not do a half-baked job, but I know people who just live drunk, going out all the time, and missing work with fake and fraudulent excuses. They don't put in the effort, know less than I do about the subject or profession, but are well-regarded, get raises or promotions, while people like me who work hard are left unnoticed. Why?
Since the '90s, it's been increasingly difficult to achieve anything. Houses are much more expensive, as are cars and the cost of living, so we get frustrated because it feels like we'll never achieve anything of our own, while any idiot/liar achieves things without any merit or deserving. How bizarre.
Despite all the fear of failure, and things seeming to get worse, I still want to think positively. But is that possible?
Studying, working, deserving, achieving, focusing, sacrificing, and various other things seem increasingly distant, no matter how much effort you put in. Maybe it's like my friend said, "Bad luck in luck, and luck in bad luck."
I believe in the philosophy that "you create your own opportunities," but each passing day, it seems to prove false.
I don't know. Seriously, I don't know. I'm confused. It's hard to think about this without thinking that I'm the one who failed, in the same sense that it seems people can't recognize a genuine and correct person. Or maybe, what people can see are those who know how to lie.
Do most people nowadays believe those who lie better instead of those who show the truth?
Is talking better than demonstrating?
Is lying better than being truthful?
Is having no value better than being a person of value?
Again, I don't know.
I'm trying. One day at a time. One step at a time, without overreaching.
I hope I can still prove to myself that I am good.
Take care.
email me if you want.