the problem is me
And in the dragging of days, as I still rise from my own stumbles, I ask myself: Am I the problem?
How did I end up here, if I don't even know where it all began? When was I truly happy, if only a handful of times did I smile like a fool without even noticing? The problem is me, but the problem is you too. The problem is me for believing too much, so that disappointment hits twice as hard. The problem is you for keeping so much faith in people, to the point of blinding yourself with expectations that never existed. To the point of believing they will never fail. The problem is me, who wants so much, and when I get so little, I end up losing focus. The problem is you, him, her - it's all of us. The problem is the vision each of us holds of life, the vision you have of yourself. Other people's problem is what they think of us. The problem is what they think they know about me - what I cannot say but only feel. And that is why they don't understand me. And that is why I am too complex an unknown for those who don't like solving problems. And the problem isn't what I do - the problem is the mess of what I feel, and believe me, feeling has been weighing too much, heavy enough to tighten my chest. Heavy enough to explode from within.
Damn. I don't even understand myself. Or am I the only one who feels stuck at the bottom of a well? Or am I the only one who gets lost in my own thoughts? Or maybe I just don't yet know what it means to be truly happy? Give your best smile - who has never in this life felt consumed by sadness. And that is awful, it breeds anger, it breeds more discouragement. That voice that keeps echoing inside us, repeating on and on: "You don't deserve to be happy!". That voice that sabotages, yet so often we listen to it. Am I alone in the world of those who have lost faith in people? In the world of those who have suffered painful disappointments? Am I alone in realizing I expected too much - from myself and from others? That in losing faith in others, I also lost a little faith in myself?
I think I just need some time, a backpack, and an aimless journey through the world. I think I need to board something, to get off at another station, into a new chapter in the future. I think I just need to stop listening, to finally learn how to see. To stop feeling, to finally heal. I need to stop waiting for the answers I want to hear, so I can stop asking. To stop seeing myself as an old book, forgotten in a dusty corner of the shelf. I need to find silence - but without suffocating myself. I need to cherish every word spoken, I need to let die what robs me, because there is no longer room for bad memories. There is no more space for pointed fingers, nor for guilt that was never entirely mine - though in their cruelty, some always want it to be. And that is the disease of people: the malice they carry, disguised by the occasional false act of kindness.
The truth is, not everything we think has ended has actually come to a close. Even when we believe we have said everything, we still haven't translated what is truly in our hearts. I have always believed that feelings have no translation - they go far beyond gestures or actions. Even when we say "no," we are often suffocating a great big "YES." And my problem is this: what I am and what I don't say, because being somewhat unpredictable is part of who I am. There is a part of me that is somewhat incomprehensible. The vastness that lives inside me like an ocean shrinks to a single drop when put into words. I suffer from excess - from deep scars, from interrupted stories. I am not good at endings.
And if you want to know, I'm tired of forcing smiles and pretending everything is fine. Maybe yesterday I truly was okay, but the truth is that today I am not, and I need to admit that. But that doesn't mean someone needs to come and feel my pain, carry my crosses, or suffer for me. The truth is, when someone thinks they need to live for me, I have already lost - I have already died. When I stop planting happiness in others and start planting sadness, I am no longer doing any good. And causing harm to someone is so toxic it can become contagious. I don't want shared sadness - I want all the unhappiness to be smothered, even if slowly. I don't want shared tears, a shoulder to cry on, or a finger pointed to tell me how unhappy I am and how much it's hurting me. What I want is a smile, a gesture, a surprise, a gentle touch, a comfort, a shake. It's any moment that makes me forget the bad side of what I'm living through. What does good is simplicity. It's what the heart tells us and we do without even noticing.
But in the end, I just don't want to be anyone's burden. I don't want to be such a heavy sacrifice to endure that I end up receiving the bill later - with interest and penalties. I don't want to feel pressured to get better for anyone other than myself. Right now I don't want demands - I just want to be reborn. Yes, from within myself, like a phoenix. From the ashes, from the sorrows, from the wounds, from the disappointments, from the falls. I just want to believe again - like someone relearning to walk, slowly, but with will. Setting down the crutches, ready to run toward an embrace, to make peace with happiness, with the best I can be. I need to believe again, so I can know again where I want to go.
For now, I just want to follow the horizon, to see how far I can go. Maybe I'll surprise myself, maybe I'm still far, but I will keep walking - even blindfolded. Even when what I see seems to have no meaning, even while the sunlight still doesn't help me see beyond. Still doesn't help me see what I truly deserve that is good. From this darkness where I find myself, I often only see what I've given up. Only what was left behind, not what I'm about to conquer. Only the stumbles in the dark, and not the light that is already beginning to appear.
Today I want to lay my head on the pillow and put the world on mute. To forget that time passes, to free myself from the obligation of leaving everything behind. To simply silence the fears. To defend myself from what hurts me, to defend myself from the enemy that now lives within me. To grow stronger. Today I just want to forget that I'm unhappy, that everything keeps going wrong. To remember that life will never be the way I expect it to happen.
Maybe it's time to finally lower my guard, to face the scars, to rid myself of the wounds others left in me. To let go of the blame, to leave behind what belongs in the past. But it's hard. It's hard to convince yourself all at once. But I'll try. I'll try to take the first step - even afraid of falling, even with the possibility of seeing something bad happen again. I'll let the days pass and the hours fly, let the dark thoughts decide to travel and never come back. I'll wait for an afternoon, any afternoon, when a smile wakes me up. Just like that - a little unexpected, even without meaning to or to please anyone. It doesn't matter. I'll wait the way someone waits without really expecting it to happen, the way someone allows themselves to be surprised.
I still believe I will feel happiness arriving softly, making a home, finding a place to stay. Finding space in the mess to put the house in order.
Today I am unhappy, sad, and disheartened. Today I am tired. Yes - tired of everything. But it was never my obligation to always be happy. It was never my greatest crime to allow myself to feel sadness. Maybe I need to learn more, so that I can find my most beautiful smile. So that I can find the most meaningful meanings. Maybe tomorrow I'll wake up and see in the mirror the answer that has always been within me. Maybe tomorrow I can make someone happy - by being happy too. Maybe tomorrow I'll be enchanted by what today passes me by unnoticed. Perhaps… it may still be that I'll discover that to be happy, there's no need to search. It's simply a matter of learning to look at things differently. Perhaps the love I feel will finally teach me how to start over - this time, the right way. I'm going to try to stop avoiding life. I am going to live. Maybe today a little more than yesterday. Maybe in time, for real.
But you know what? I'm going to make it happen. I'm going to relearn how to believe. I'm going to learn that what doesn't kill me only makes me stronger. I'm going to stop holding back - I'm going to fight. Fight, even when life starts hitting hard. Even if I fall again. I will get up. I will be standing. I will be alive. Even through all the pain, even through what has been killing me from within. I will heal from what is sick inside me. I will be okay. I will be happy. Even if I come face to face with death. I simply will not give up. What I still dream of, deep down, is only a matter of time. And I will still see that to live and to love, it is never too late. I will start over. Wait for me - and you'll see just how far I'll go.
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